Part II: The Letters to Chris

"Dear Chris,

We, as humans, are scared shitless of not having control. I sometimes wonder if maybe, possibly, it’s easier for people (especially those extremely devoted to their religion) to say they’ve given all the control to their god… but really it’s their idea of God or a god or whatever, right? We can never know EXACTLY what God’s thoughts are so when others say they’ve laid down all their trust in God are they really allowing for all control to be freely given away? What if what their really doing is say this, but in reality (without thinking too much about it) they’re just giving control back to themselves? You understand what I’m saying, richtig? Es verdad? I’ve always had this thought that when others prayed to God for guidance that it can’t be 100% God… that possibly they are superimposing their own wants and, unconsciously, believing God has given them His blessing… that they are really following His will. And when things don’t go well they just tell themselves that it means God didn’t want that for them.How many emotions and thoughts can be repressed before things go horribly wrong? I think the Buddhists have it more correct than the Christians; understand you have desires and work through them. Don’t just ask God to take them away. I think God likes to see a little hard work on our part.I think I said this before but I know there’s a God. I don’t know how but I know there is an entity that is greater than the people on Earth. I don’t know his or hers exact nature or involvement but there’s something above us. Even if in reality, when we die, the idea of God was always in our heads and death really is nothingness, it is just as powerful as if there really was a God. Our mind is a powerful thing, just look at people with mental illnesses. So even if God is just something in our heads, I can deal with that because, more than likely, when we die I think we might just bring that God with us. I know I will disappoint my mother if she even knew I thought about this, but as Goethe said, “He who cannot draw on three thousand years is living from hand to mouth.” I can’t ignore the history of human thought because, if I do, it is as if I am denying my own. I can’t act as if my meager 21 years spent here on Earth have been enough to make a sound decision on the matter of existence, the purpose of living, death, and the afterlife. I can no longer make myself believe that just going to church every Sunday is going to fix that. I can’t expect that even if I could become more active in a church, it would make me feel any better on the matter. I’m not saying that those who do are ignorant, horrible, or any deviant variation thereof. I once was yelled at by a girl because she immediately thought that when I asked a professor if she thought religion often held back extremely intelligent people from the sciences I was calling all religious people ignorant. She apologized immediately after class. I just patted her shoulder and went on my merry way.God was not in the Temazcal. God was not in any of the cathedrals in Mexico. God was not in the Baptist church in Kentucky. God was not in the sky. God was not in the Dom, the cathedral of St. Peter. I have not found God anywhere, yet. But God is supposed to be everywhere all at once. I can believe that. I just have to look a little closer maybe and understand what it is I should be looking at and maybe I will find the answers. But I can also understand the point of view of the atheists and agnostics. I feel as if everyone is correct, but that can’t be so. In the mean time, I will continue to be wise and admit I know nothing."

Cheers.