I apologize for this but I'm ending my blog. I'd like to be able to say that I'm really busy (and I am) but that isn't the reason. I'm just not receiving the kind of feedback that I need from this. It's less of an update than it is of a random assortment of my stream of consciousness.
As far as regular updates, don't expect them. I might write something every now and then, but I see no point in carrying on with this. Sorry if you did read this.
Cheers.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Adulthood 101
*Expletive warning: They are littered throughout.*
It is not easy becoming self-sufficient even when you have parents to support (financially or emotionally). It is a fucking miracle if you can do it by yourself.
So, enter in my situation.
While in high school, I worked 28-30 hours a week at the local Dairy Queen. I started when I was 16 and only had a day off every week so I could baby-sit my step-siblings. I was paid minimum wage, which was 5.25 per hour back then. All the other kids at my school were missing lunch and geometry to take their Driver's licensing test and coming back in their brand new cars. My step-father refused to help me learn how to drive and my mother couldn't. However, I was still determined to earn the money to buy a car.
Finally, I had saved up $1500. I thought that, surely, if I could front a decent amount of money that my step-father would help me just so I would shut up about driving. I had no bills to pay (I didn't have a cell phone until 8 or 9 months before college) and I worked overtime whenever I could; I gave up weekends and holidays just so I could prove that I was willing to keep earning money to pay for insurance and car payments.
However, before I could ask, my step-father became gravely somber. He explained that our family mini-van was breaking down. It was often used for the commute to campus 30 mintues away (my mother was working on her BSW and my step-father was working on his Master's in History) and it was also used for my step-father's long trips to Carbondale, Illinois, because he did university work there as well (and there's a VA clinic in Marion, Illinois, as well). I'm fairly certain that the van was also bought used. I'm not 100% certain about that, even today.
Anyway, he explained that the van was breaking down. I didn't think too much about it; I simply thought that it couldn't be used to help me learn how to drive. Apparently, not the case. He explained that it needed to be brought into the shop and it was going to be very expensive. Once again, I wasn't sure where he was going with the conversation. He finally made his point: without the van, we wouldn't have a sure way of getting my mother to the hospital if she had a flare up (she has an autoimmune disease). Then he said, "If I can't come up with $1500 to fix the van, your mom could die. We NEED that van."
My heart sank. This wasn't the first time my step-father asked for money. It didn't happen often, but it did. It was just all the money I had this time. In restrospect, I should have been smarter; my step-father had helped me set up my account with the bank and it had been a joint account. He was able to look at my bank account and where I spent my money. I realized that about 6 years too late. However, I gave him the money, fearing for my mother's health, and just told myself I could start saving again.
However, that didn't happen. As the years passed and I entered college, my income was a little better but I had to buy $400 or $500 worth of books. Also, I went to college on my own (I had been placed in foster care), so I was responsible for my cell phone bill (I had to have a way to be contacted), clothes, and food. To add insult to injury, I was also in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy who was always in debt or buying expensive things. He had a car, so I thought my car situation could wait.
Then he got into an accident. He was fine, but the car was not. I had just gotten a large amount of financial aid and was planning on going to my bank and depositing the money into a yearly CD. He cried and cried and said if I could loan him the down payment, he'd make car payments on a car he'd found. He'd make the payments but keep saving money to buy a new car and then I could have the old one. Well, I had no license (I received my permit at 18) and no concept of how insurance worked. That and I didn't think a car was absolutely necessary while living on campus, so I gave him the down payment ($1500 or $2000). I won't bog down the matter further, but, needless to say, he fucked me over.
So, fast forward to now. I have my permit. I'm over 21. I have a lot of extra income this semester and am ready to buy a car. My scooter is awesome, but I need to start thinking about grad school and the possibility of moving. Therefore, I need a car.
However, there is one LARGE obstacle. I still don't have my license. I know how to drive; I've driven in all sorts of traffic and weather over the years because I have my permit and, let's face it, sometimes people don't feel like driving. So, I step in and drive. However, I just never saw the point in getting my license because buying a car was never on my radar. My financial situation is a lot better than I projected for this upcoming year.
I've asked multiple people and I've never gotten a straight, "No," but my guess is that people are touchy about their cars. There's a lot of trust involved when a car is in question. I don't think that the people I've asked don't trust me; it's just that cars are different than money. That sounds crazy I know. No one cares if I handle large sums of money because it isn't theirs; a car is something they use daily. Their livlihood could be affected if something were to happen while I was behind the wheel.
So, that's what's going on. I'm ready to buy a car and I can't. Trying to be responsible sucks hardcore ass.
Cheers
It is not easy becoming self-sufficient even when you have parents to support (financially or emotionally). It is a fucking miracle if you can do it by yourself.
So, enter in my situation.
While in high school, I worked 28-30 hours a week at the local Dairy Queen. I started when I was 16 and only had a day off every week so I could baby-sit my step-siblings. I was paid minimum wage, which was 5.25 per hour back then. All the other kids at my school were missing lunch and geometry to take their Driver's licensing test and coming back in their brand new cars. My step-father refused to help me learn how to drive and my mother couldn't. However, I was still determined to earn the money to buy a car.
Finally, I had saved up $1500. I thought that, surely, if I could front a decent amount of money that my step-father would help me just so I would shut up about driving. I had no bills to pay (I didn't have a cell phone until 8 or 9 months before college) and I worked overtime whenever I could; I gave up weekends and holidays just so I could prove that I was willing to keep earning money to pay for insurance and car payments.
However, before I could ask, my step-father became gravely somber. He explained that our family mini-van was breaking down. It was often used for the commute to campus 30 mintues away (my mother was working on her BSW and my step-father was working on his Master's in History) and it was also used for my step-father's long trips to Carbondale, Illinois, because he did university work there as well (and there's a VA clinic in Marion, Illinois, as well). I'm fairly certain that the van was also bought used. I'm not 100% certain about that, even today.
Anyway, he explained that the van was breaking down. I didn't think too much about it; I simply thought that it couldn't be used to help me learn how to drive. Apparently, not the case. He explained that it needed to be brought into the shop and it was going to be very expensive. Once again, I wasn't sure where he was going with the conversation. He finally made his point: without the van, we wouldn't have a sure way of getting my mother to the hospital if she had a flare up (she has an autoimmune disease). Then he said, "If I can't come up with $1500 to fix the van, your mom could die. We NEED that van."
My heart sank. This wasn't the first time my step-father asked for money. It didn't happen often, but it did. It was just all the money I had this time. In restrospect, I should have been smarter; my step-father had helped me set up my account with the bank and it had been a joint account. He was able to look at my bank account and where I spent my money. I realized that about 6 years too late. However, I gave him the money, fearing for my mother's health, and just told myself I could start saving again.
However, that didn't happen. As the years passed and I entered college, my income was a little better but I had to buy $400 or $500 worth of books. Also, I went to college on my own (I had been placed in foster care), so I was responsible for my cell phone bill (I had to have a way to be contacted), clothes, and food. To add insult to injury, I was also in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy who was always in debt or buying expensive things. He had a car, so I thought my car situation could wait.
Then he got into an accident. He was fine, but the car was not. I had just gotten a large amount of financial aid and was planning on going to my bank and depositing the money into a yearly CD. He cried and cried and said if I could loan him the down payment, he'd make car payments on a car he'd found. He'd make the payments but keep saving money to buy a new car and then I could have the old one. Well, I had no license (I received my permit at 18) and no concept of how insurance worked. That and I didn't think a car was absolutely necessary while living on campus, so I gave him the down payment ($1500 or $2000). I won't bog down the matter further, but, needless to say, he fucked me over.
So, fast forward to now. I have my permit. I'm over 21. I have a lot of extra income this semester and am ready to buy a car. My scooter is awesome, but I need to start thinking about grad school and the possibility of moving. Therefore, I need a car.
However, there is one LARGE obstacle. I still don't have my license. I know how to drive; I've driven in all sorts of traffic and weather over the years because I have my permit and, let's face it, sometimes people don't feel like driving. So, I step in and drive. However, I just never saw the point in getting my license because buying a car was never on my radar. My financial situation is a lot better than I projected for this upcoming year.
I've asked multiple people and I've never gotten a straight, "No," but my guess is that people are touchy about their cars. There's a lot of trust involved when a car is in question. I don't think that the people I've asked don't trust me; it's just that cars are different than money. That sounds crazy I know. No one cares if I handle large sums of money because it isn't theirs; a car is something they use daily. Their livlihood could be affected if something were to happen while I was behind the wheel.
So, that's what's going on. I'm ready to buy a car and I can't. Trying to be responsible sucks hardcore ass.
Cheers
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I feel as if I might kill over at any given moment. I don't know what's going on, but this past week my appetite has dropped into dangerously low levels and I can't concentrate on anything. I suspect it is some vicious circle: no appetite means I'll eat next to nothing and no food means no calories means no energy (or ATP if you will) and that means no concentration.
Allow me to extrapolate on this whole "no appetite" thing. What does having no appetite mean? I know before Germany, when I would say, "I have no appetite," it usually meant, "I'm not hungry." During and after Germany, no appetite meant, "I can barely will my hand to bring this french fry to my mouth."
This is by no means an exaggeration. Most days I'm able to eat an okay amount of food (albeit there might be unhealthy choices); however, there are also a good number of days where the idea of chewing is an exhausting thought.
So, I'm not feeling well but I still need to get a lot of reading finished. However, I feel as if I might be spending my evening sleeping in the bathroom because I'm feeling THAT miserable. Since I was young, sleeping on the floor of a bathroom has always been oddly soothing. Now that I'm pretending to be a "grown-up," I've tried to limit my bathroom sleepovers because, well, it's weird. Believe you me, I have to be feeling pretty crappy for me to even entertain the notion. Until later.
Cheers.
Allow me to extrapolate on this whole "no appetite" thing. What does having no appetite mean? I know before Germany, when I would say, "I have no appetite," it usually meant, "I'm not hungry." During and after Germany, no appetite meant, "I can barely will my hand to bring this french fry to my mouth."
This is by no means an exaggeration. Most days I'm able to eat an okay amount of food (albeit there might be unhealthy choices); however, there are also a good number of days where the idea of chewing is an exhausting thought.
So, I'm not feeling well but I still need to get a lot of reading finished. However, I feel as if I might be spending my evening sleeping in the bathroom because I'm feeling THAT miserable. Since I was young, sleeping on the floor of a bathroom has always been oddly soothing. Now that I'm pretending to be a "grown-up," I've tried to limit my bathroom sleepovers because, well, it's weird. Believe you me, I have to be feeling pretty crappy for me to even entertain the notion. Until later.
Cheers.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Lexicon Curious
Verb 1. abacinate - blind by holding a red-hot metal plate before someone's eyes
Etymology
From Late Latin abacinātus, perfect passive participle of abacinō; possibly formed from ab (“off”) + bacīnum (“a basin”) or bacīnus. Probably cognate with modern Italian abbacinare (“to dazzle”).
Abacination is a form of corporal punishment or torture, in which the victim is blinded by having a red hot metal plate held before their eyes. A variation of this technique is touching a red hot metal rod to the eyes.
Etymology
From Late Latin abacinātus, perfect passive participle of abacinō; possibly formed from ab (“off”) + bacīnum (“a basin”) or bacīnus. Probably cognate with modern Italian abbacinare (“to dazzle”).
Abacination is a form of corporal punishment or torture, in which the victim is blinded by having a red hot metal plate held before their eyes. A variation of this technique is touching a red hot metal rod to the eyes.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
As unimportant as this is...
Danglish-Spanglish will be no more. It started out as a side project for my interest in language, but it has ironically, become my research project. I suppose it'll just stay up, but I won't do anything of consequence with it. I'd apologize, but I'm fairly certain that no one kept up with it anyway.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
...and to continue...
This is from the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch which was based off play. Throughout the movie, Hedwig refers to Aristophanes' speech in Plato's Symposium about where love and the idea of soul mates comes from. Not exactly a "true" creation story (i.e. where did everything initially begin) but more of a creation of man myth.
I remembered this movie after I had a couple of cups of coffee this morning and wanted to put it in here before it was forgotten. I hate feeling like I didn't complete something.
Cheers!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Begin
In my spare time (read: procrastination) I like to read about a handful of miscellaneous topics. One of my favorites? Creation myths. I'm not sure why. For someone so fascinated with evolution, it seems a little silly that I like reading creation stories.
They are divided up into regions and then cultures. So, there's Asian myths, Middle Eastern myths, European myths, and American myths (American meaning the Americas, south and north). Within American myths, for example, you'd find stories from the Hopi, the Cherokee, the Aztecs, the Mayans... you get the idea. The one that you might be more familiar with is one from the Middle East, obviously. The crazy thing about the Judeo-Christian creation myth is that apparently there are two of them. I haven't dug out a Bible to check, but it's not a big discrepancy but interesting to note. In short, one myth has Yahweh creating plants and animals before man and the other has it just the opposite. Disclaimer though, I haven't looked it up myself (mainly because I'm not sure where a Bible is in my room).
However, part of my fascination probably originates from Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World. There is one point in the novel in which the titular character is asked to imagine how the world might have come to be, ignoring everything she knows. I don't remember off-hand what her myth was, but that's not the point. For some reason, I like reading creation myths. And that's about it.
Cheers!
They are divided up into regions and then cultures. So, there's Asian myths, Middle Eastern myths, European myths, and American myths (American meaning the Americas, south and north). Within American myths, for example, you'd find stories from the Hopi, the Cherokee, the Aztecs, the Mayans... you get the idea. The one that you might be more familiar with is one from the Middle East, obviously. The crazy thing about the Judeo-Christian creation myth is that apparently there are two of them. I haven't dug out a Bible to check, but it's not a big discrepancy but interesting to note. In short, one myth has Yahweh creating plants and animals before man and the other has it just the opposite. Disclaimer though, I haven't looked it up myself (mainly because I'm not sure where a Bible is in my room).
However, part of my fascination probably originates from Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World. There is one point in the novel in which the titular character is asked to imagine how the world might have come to be, ignoring everything she knows. I don't remember off-hand what her myth was, but that's not the point. For some reason, I like reading creation myths. And that's about it.
Cheers!
Warning/Notice?
On the left, I've added a little chat box as I am not crazy about the comment system blogger has here. Also, there is a little warning. I did download the chat box via information from:
http://www.bloggertipsandtricks.com/
I have used this site before for various things on here and it's always turned out awesome. However, I set the HTML stuff up through my laptop and my blog became insta-spam. My blog would pop up 20-25 times. Insanity. There's a good chance it was my laptop (the one that blew up with all of my fall break pictures; HOWEVER, if you encounter the same problem, let me know ASAP. I'd hate for this to become an issue. I like to tinker with this blog to try out new things and, sometimes, they don't work (i.e. the large three column adventure where I accidentally erased ALL the coding. Oops).
So, fair warning. Cheers!
http://www.bloggertipsandtricks.com/
I have used this site before for various things on here and it's always turned out awesome. However, I set the HTML stuff up through my laptop and my blog became insta-spam. My blog would pop up 20-25 times. Insanity. There's a good chance it was my laptop (the one that blew up with all of my fall break pictures; HOWEVER, if you encounter the same problem, let me know ASAP. I'd hate for this to become an issue. I like to tinker with this blog to try out new things and, sometimes, they don't work (i.e. the large three column adventure where I accidentally erased ALL the coding. Oops).
So, fair warning. Cheers!
Awesome Sauce.
Alright, I gave up. My roommate was fixing his computer and installed Linux/Ubuntu on his computer and I tried to pay attention. Apparently, computers just aren't my thing, at least on a very fundamental level. I just don't have the patience (or rather the drive) to sit in front of the screen for a couple of hours, trying to make something I could have drawn out by hand in about 5 seconds. Computers have thier place and I do not have the mindset for dealing with them. Apparently.
Instead I spent yesterday painting. Not anything in particular, just sort of shading and tinting and using a couple of different brushes to acheive different effects. Nothing ground breaking.
My reading isn't going as fast as I'd like. I know nothing about the basics of language cognition, so I'm having to spend a lot of time looking up simple concepts while reading literature. I've decided that, for now, I'll conduct some experiment involving the topic of conversational code-switching using memory as a measurement. I have no specific methodology yet. The wonderful thing about this is, in the spring, I can add my evolutionary component. This will make me a little more attractive to cognitive science programs and (knock on wood) I'll get into a grad program that is more bio based than psych. I've always wanted my main research to be in evolution and language is something that has always interested me. Granted I am horrible at picking up languages... well, not horrible.
I'm horrible at being fluid with social conversation. As soon as I learned the rules for French, Spanish, and German I was alright. Vocabulary isn't bad either, as it usually requires extra memorization. I think my problem is I don't talk to much around people in English; why would I think talking to people in another language would be easier?
I do believe I've heard that there's two types of people who pick up languages easily; there are those who are artistically minded and those who are mathematically minded. Art or math-mind doesn't reflect on if you're creative or good at math. It's just some way of thinking (i.e. the ways your brain processes and memorizes and organizes the information). It wasn't until last semester in GER 102 that I picked up on what my problem with languages is: despite my curiousity and interest and competancy for learning new languages (I doubt talent is a good word to describe my relationship with languages), I constantly struggle to make conversation. I know how to conjugate verbs and how to memorize vocabulary and all the ins and outs and dos and don'ts. The basics of my conversational skills are rudimentally and childishly simple. And it's always frustrated me.
However, like I said, my German instructor picked up on my type of language learning when I said something after a pop quiz. I had mixed up one word with another and said the mix up was caused because I displaced the two words that were next to each other on the vocabulary list in our book. He responded quickly, "You have a photographic memory?"
Well, huh? I'm not sure I've ever thought about it like that. Is my memory good? Yes, unusually so. But only because I actively find new ways to store new information (i.e. relation to something I already know or anagrams or acronyms). But photographic? I'm not sure what that even means. I've never met anyone with it so I wouldn't know who to ask.
Despite if I am or not (which, to be honest, I highly doubt), it does say something how I learn language. I began to pay attention to the ways I looked at language and the kinds of questions I asked about it. Mostly my questions were related to linguistics rather than, "How would one say this in conversation?" And that led to the idea that I should possibly get into language research.
And that's a very brief explanation of my research and why I'm interested in the topic. I don't want to bore anyone with pre-college influences. Anyhow, off to more reading!
Cheers!
Instead I spent yesterday painting. Not anything in particular, just sort of shading and tinting and using a couple of different brushes to acheive different effects. Nothing ground breaking.
My reading isn't going as fast as I'd like. I know nothing about the basics of language cognition, so I'm having to spend a lot of time looking up simple concepts while reading literature. I've decided that, for now, I'll conduct some experiment involving the topic of conversational code-switching using memory as a measurement. I have no specific methodology yet. The wonderful thing about this is, in the spring, I can add my evolutionary component. This will make me a little more attractive to cognitive science programs and (knock on wood) I'll get into a grad program that is more bio based than psych. I've always wanted my main research to be in evolution and language is something that has always interested me. Granted I am horrible at picking up languages... well, not horrible.
I'm horrible at being fluid with social conversation. As soon as I learned the rules for French, Spanish, and German I was alright. Vocabulary isn't bad either, as it usually requires extra memorization. I think my problem is I don't talk to much around people in English; why would I think talking to people in another language would be easier?
I do believe I've heard that there's two types of people who pick up languages easily; there are those who are artistically minded and those who are mathematically minded. Art or math-mind doesn't reflect on if you're creative or good at math. It's just some way of thinking (i.e. the ways your brain processes and memorizes and organizes the information). It wasn't until last semester in GER 102 that I picked up on what my problem with languages is: despite my curiousity and interest and competancy for learning new languages (I doubt talent is a good word to describe my relationship with languages), I constantly struggle to make conversation. I know how to conjugate verbs and how to memorize vocabulary and all the ins and outs and dos and don'ts. The basics of my conversational skills are rudimentally and childishly simple. And it's always frustrated me.
However, like I said, my German instructor picked up on my type of language learning when I said something after a pop quiz. I had mixed up one word with another and said the mix up was caused because I displaced the two words that were next to each other on the vocabulary list in our book. He responded quickly, "You have a photographic memory?"
Well, huh? I'm not sure I've ever thought about it like that. Is my memory good? Yes, unusually so. But only because I actively find new ways to store new information (i.e. relation to something I already know or anagrams or acronyms). But photographic? I'm not sure what that even means. I've never met anyone with it so I wouldn't know who to ask.
Despite if I am or not (which, to be honest, I highly doubt), it does say something how I learn language. I began to pay attention to the ways I looked at language and the kinds of questions I asked about it. Mostly my questions were related to linguistics rather than, "How would one say this in conversation?" And that led to the idea that I should possibly get into language research.
And that's a very brief explanation of my research and why I'm interested in the topic. I don't want to bore anyone with pre-college influences. Anyhow, off to more reading!
Cheers!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Wait!
But before I delve into that, I forgot that my research is now headed in a clear direction! As soon as I get methodology, I'll be sure to post my research topic.
I got so excited about having a new project, it slipped my mind.
I got so excited about having a new project, it slipped my mind.
Up the Downward Spiral
It goes without saying that I'm a pretty pessimistic person with nihlistic tendencies. However, part of my agreement with... myself, a higher power... whomever I dealt with... I constantly make an effort to physically change my way of thinking anytime The Doldrums begins to rear its ugly head. I will not allow February 2008 to happen again. Ever. In an effort to constantly improve myself, I try to find new hobbies in order to... I have no idea... occupy myself? I'd like to hope that I do these things to increase my knowledge.
Anyhow. My next new adventure is inspired by a binge reading session of Steig Larsson (I have this weird love affair with contemporary Swedish authors) and some of my classes from high school. I'm going to work on building some programs. I'm familiar with HTML coding and programing basics thanks to a couple of graphic desgin classes in high school; Larsson's trilogy has rekindled my interest in computers. For the most part, I'm not a big fan of technology, so I'm going to start out small (such as trying to make a calender) and see if I can't think of something more creative as I go along.
Wish me luck!
Cheers!
Anyhow. My next new adventure is inspired by a binge reading session of Steig Larsson (I have this weird love affair with contemporary Swedish authors) and some of my classes from high school. I'm going to work on building some programs. I'm familiar with HTML coding and programing basics thanks to a couple of graphic desgin classes in high school; Larsson's trilogy has rekindled my interest in computers. For the most part, I'm not a big fan of technology, so I'm going to start out small (such as trying to make a calender) and see if I can't think of something more creative as I go along.
Wish me luck!
Cheers!
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Who's writing this thing?
- The Little Wandering Owl
- Every real and searching effort at self-improvement is, of itself, a lesson of profound humanity.