Quick Update

Still living and breathing. Looks like my schedule is set for the next year and a half. I'm pretty excited that things are looking a bit up. 'Til later.

Cheers.

Top secret

So, don't tell anyone, but my "hiatus" really means "I'll only be writing when I'm taking a small break between coursework."

As of right now, I'm bored. And lonely. And desperately in need of human contact. And that's why I'm doing this, why I even bother to blog at all. My blog is the only thing that communicates with me because, well, it's obvious.

So I may or may not be ever so slightly depressed. I wish we had milk.

08.27.10

I apologize for this but I'm ending my blog. I'd like to be able to say that I'm really busy (and I am) but that isn't the reason. I'm just not receiving the kind of feedback that I need from this. It's less of an update than it is of a random assortment of my stream of consciousness.

As far as regular updates, don't expect them. I might write something every now and then, but I see no point in carrying on with this. Sorry if you did read this.

Cheers.

Sorry I haven't written lately. I've been busy and classes have begun. I'm also in a bit of a pickle. I'm not sure what to do.

Cheers.

Adulthood 101

*Expletive warning: They are littered throughout.*

It is not easy becoming self-sufficient even when you have parents to support (financially or emotionally). It is a fucking miracle if you can do it by yourself.

So, enter in my situation.

While in high school, I worked 28-30 hours a week at the local Dairy Queen. I started when I was 16 and only had a day off every week so I could baby-sit my step-siblings. I was paid minimum wage, which was 5.25 per hour back then. All the other kids at my school were missing lunch and geometry to take their Driver's licensing test and coming back in their brand new cars. My step-father refused to help me learn how to drive and my mother couldn't. However, I was still determined to earn the money to buy a car.

Finally, I had saved up $1500. I thought that, surely, if I could front a decent amount of money that my step-father would help me just so I would shut up about driving. I had no bills to pay (I didn't have a cell phone until 8 or 9 months before college) and I worked overtime whenever I could; I gave up weekends and holidays just so I could prove that I was willing to keep earning money to pay for insurance and car payments.

However, before I could ask, my step-father became gravely somber. He explained that our family mini-van was breaking down. It was often used for the commute to campus 30 mintues away (my mother was working on her BSW and my step-father was working on his Master's in History) and it was also used for my step-father's long trips to Carbondale, Illinois, because he did university work there as well (and there's a VA clinic in Marion, Illinois, as well). I'm fairly certain that the van was also bought used. I'm not 100% certain about that, even today.

Anyway, he explained that the van was breaking down. I didn't think too much about it; I simply thought that it couldn't be used to help me learn how to drive. Apparently, not the case. He explained that it needed to be brought into the shop and it was going to be very expensive. Once again, I wasn't sure where he was going with the conversation. He finally made his point: without the van, we wouldn't have a sure way of getting my mother to the hospital if she had a flare up (she has an autoimmune disease). Then he said, "If I can't come up with $1500 to fix the van, your mom could die. We NEED that van."

My heart sank. This wasn't the first time my step-father asked for money. It didn't happen often, but it did. It was just all the money I had this time. In restrospect, I should have been smarter; my step-father had helped me set up my account with the bank and it had been a joint account. He was able to look at my bank account and where I spent my money. I realized that about 6 years too late. However, I gave him the money, fearing for my mother's health, and just told myself I could start saving again.

However, that didn't happen. As the years passed and I entered college, my income was a little better but I had to buy $400 or $500 worth of books. Also, I went to college on my own (I had been placed in foster care), so I was responsible for my cell phone bill (I had to have a way to be contacted), clothes, and food. To add insult to injury, I was also in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy who was always in debt or buying expensive things. He had a car, so I thought my car situation could wait.

Then he got into an accident. He was fine, but the car was not. I had just gotten a large amount of financial aid and was planning on going to my bank and depositing the money into a yearly CD. He cried and cried and said if I could loan him the down payment, he'd make car payments on a car he'd found. He'd make the payments but keep saving money to buy a new car and then I could have the old one. Well, I had no license (I received my permit at 18) and no concept of how insurance worked. That and I didn't think a car was absolutely necessary while living on campus, so I gave him the down payment ($1500 or $2000). I won't bog down the matter further, but, needless to say, he fucked me over.

So, fast forward to now. I have my permit. I'm over 21. I have a lot of extra income this semester and am ready to buy a car. My scooter is awesome, but I need to start thinking about grad school and the possibility of moving. Therefore, I need a car.
However, there is one LARGE obstacle. I still don't have my license. I know how to drive; I've driven in all sorts of traffic and weather over the years because I have my permit and, let's face it, sometimes people don't feel like driving. So, I step in and drive. However, I just never saw the point in getting my license because buying a car was never on my radar. My financial situation is a lot better than I projected for this upcoming year.

I've asked multiple people and I've never gotten a straight, "No," but my guess is that people are touchy about their cars. There's a lot of trust involved when a car is in question. I don't think that the people I've asked don't trust me; it's just that cars are different than money. That sounds crazy I know. No one cares if I handle large sums of money because it isn't theirs; a car is something they use daily. Their livlihood could be affected if something were to happen while I was behind the wheel.

So, that's what's going on. I'm ready to buy a car and I can't. Trying to be responsible sucks hardcore ass.

Cheers

I feel as if I might kill over at any given moment. I don't know what's going on, but this past week my appetite has dropped into dangerously low levels and I can't concentrate on anything. I suspect it is some vicious circle: no appetite means I'll eat next to nothing and no food means no calories means no energy (or ATP if you will) and that means no concentration.

Allow me to extrapolate on this whole "no appetite" thing. What does having no appetite mean? I know before Germany, when I would say, "I have no appetite," it usually meant, "I'm not hungry." During and after Germany, no appetite meant, "I can barely will my hand to bring this french fry to my mouth."

This is by no means an exaggeration. Most days I'm able to eat an okay amount of food (albeit there might be unhealthy choices); however, there are also a good number of days where the idea of chewing is an exhausting thought.

So, I'm not feeling well but I still need to get a lot of reading finished. However, I feel as if I might be spending my evening sleeping in the bathroom because I'm feeling THAT miserable. Since I was young, sleeping on the floor of a bathroom has always been oddly soothing. Now that I'm pretending to be a "grown-up," I've tried to limit my bathroom sleepovers because, well, it's weird. Believe you me, I have to be feeling pretty crappy for me to even entertain the notion. Until later.

Cheers.

Lexicon Curious

Verb 1. abacinate - blind by holding a red-hot metal plate before someone's eyes

Etymology

From Late Latin abacinātus, perfect passive participle of abacinō; possibly formed from ab (“off”) + bacīnum (“a basin”) or bacīnus. Probably cognate with modern Italian abbacinare (“to dazzle”).

Abacination is a form of corporal punishment or torture, in which the victim is blinded by having a red hot metal plate held before their eyes. A variation of this technique is touching a red hot metal rod to the eyes.

As unimportant as this is...

Danglish-Spanglish will be no more. It started out as a side project for my interest in language, but it has ironically, become my research project. I suppose it'll just stay up, but I won't do anything of consequence with it. I'd apologize, but I'm fairly certain that no one kept up with it anyway.

Cheers.

My head is about to explode. Too much reading to do.

I've given up being optimistic for an undetermined period of time. I'm going to lie on the couch, eat ice cream, watch movies that are horrible in taste, and cry until everything works itself out.

Ok. Maybe I'll skip the eating part. I need to just re-group. I think I'll live.

Cheers.

...and to continue...

This is from the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch which was based off play. Throughout the movie, Hedwig refers to Aristophanes' speech in Plato's Symposium about where love and the idea of soul mates comes from. Not exactly a "true" creation story (i.e. where did everything initially begin) but more of a creation of man myth.

I remembered this movie after I had a couple of cups of coffee this morning and wanted to put it in here before it was forgotten. I hate feeling like I didn't complete something.

Cheers!

Begin

In my spare time (read: procrastination) I like to read about a handful of miscellaneous topics. One of my favorites? Creation myths. I'm not sure why. For someone so fascinated with evolution, it seems a little silly that I like reading creation stories.

They are divided up into regions and then cultures. So, there's Asian myths, Middle Eastern myths, European myths, and American myths (American meaning the Americas, south and north). Within American myths, for example, you'd find stories from the Hopi, the Cherokee, the Aztecs, the Mayans... you get the idea. The one that you might be more familiar with is one from the Middle East, obviously. The crazy thing about the Judeo-Christian creation myth is that apparently there are two of them. I haven't dug out a Bible to check, but it's not a big discrepancy but interesting to note. In short, one myth has Yahweh creating plants and animals before man and the other has it just the opposite. Disclaimer though, I haven't looked it up myself (mainly because I'm not sure where a Bible is in my room).

However, part of my fascination probably originates from Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World. There is one point in the novel in which the titular character is asked to imagine how the world might have come to be, ignoring everything she knows. I don't remember off-hand what her myth was, but that's not the point. For some reason, I like reading creation myths. And that's about it.

Cheers!

Warning/Notice?

On the left, I've added a little chat box as I am not crazy about the comment system blogger has here. Also, there is a little warning. I did download the chat box via information from:

http://www.bloggertipsandtricks.com/

I have used this site before for various things on here and it's always turned out awesome. However, I set the HTML stuff up through my laptop and my blog became insta-spam. My blog would pop up 20-25 times. Insanity. There's a good chance it was my laptop (the one that blew up with all of my fall break pictures; HOWEVER, if you encounter the same problem, let me know ASAP. I'd hate for this to become an issue. I like to tinker with this blog to try out new things and, sometimes, they don't work (i.e. the large three column adventure where I accidentally erased ALL the coding. Oops).

So, fair warning. Cheers!

Awesome Sauce.

Alright, I gave up. My roommate was fixing his computer and installed Linux/Ubuntu on his computer and I tried to pay attention. Apparently, computers just aren't my thing, at least on a very fundamental level. I just don't have the patience (or rather the drive) to sit in front of the screen for a couple of hours, trying to make something I could have drawn out by hand in about 5 seconds. Computers have thier place and I do not have the mindset for dealing with them. Apparently.

Instead I spent yesterday painting. Not anything in particular, just sort of shading and tinting and using a couple of different brushes to acheive different effects. Nothing ground breaking.

My reading isn't going as fast as I'd like. I know nothing about the basics of language cognition, so I'm having to spend a lot of time looking up simple concepts while reading literature. I've decided that, for now, I'll conduct some experiment involving the topic of conversational code-switching using memory as a measurement. I have no specific methodology yet. The wonderful thing about this is, in the spring, I can add my evolutionary component. This will make me a little more attractive to cognitive science programs and (knock on wood) I'll get into a grad program that is more bio based than psych. I've always wanted my main research to be in evolution and language is something that has always interested me. Granted I am horrible at picking up languages... well, not horrible.

I'm horrible at being fluid with social conversation. As soon as I learned the rules for French, Spanish, and German I was alright. Vocabulary isn't bad either, as it usually requires extra memorization. I think my problem is I don't talk to much around people in English; why would I think talking to people in another language would be easier?

I do believe I've heard that there's two types of people who pick up languages easily; there are those who are artistically minded and those who are mathematically minded. Art or math-mind doesn't reflect on if you're creative or good at math. It's just some way of thinking (i.e. the ways your brain processes and memorizes and organizes the information). It wasn't until last semester in GER 102 that I picked up on what my problem with languages is: despite my curiousity and interest and competancy for learning new languages (I doubt talent is a good word to describe my relationship with languages), I constantly struggle to make conversation. I know how to conjugate verbs and how to memorize vocabulary and all the ins and outs and dos and don'ts. The basics of my conversational skills are rudimentally and childishly simple. And it's always frustrated me.

However, like I said, my German instructor picked up on my type of language learning when I said something after a pop quiz. I had mixed up one word with another and said the mix up was caused because I displaced the two words that were next to each other on the vocabulary list in our book. He responded quickly, "You have a photographic memory?"

Well, huh? I'm not sure I've ever thought about it like that. Is my memory good? Yes, unusually so. But only because I actively find new ways to store new information (i.e. relation to something I already know or anagrams or acronyms). But photographic? I'm not sure what that even means. I've never met anyone with it so I wouldn't know who to ask.

Despite if I am or not (which, to be honest, I highly doubt), it does say something how I learn language. I began to pay attention to the ways I looked at language and the kinds of questions I asked about it. Mostly my questions were related to linguistics rather than, "How would one say this in conversation?" And that led to the idea that I should possibly get into language research.

And that's a very brief explanation of my research and why I'm interested in the topic. I don't want to bore anyone with pre-college influences. Anyhow, off to more reading!

Cheers!

Wait!

But before I delve into that, I forgot that my research is now headed in a clear direction! As soon as I get methodology, I'll be sure to post my research topic.

I got so excited about having a new project, it slipped my mind.

Up the Downward Spiral

It goes without saying that I'm a pretty pessimistic person with nihlistic tendencies. However, part of my agreement with... myself, a higher power... whomever I dealt with... I constantly make an effort to physically change my way of thinking anytime The Doldrums begins to rear its ugly head. I will not allow February 2008 to happen again. Ever. In an effort to constantly improve myself, I try to find new hobbies in order to... I have no idea... occupy myself? I'd like to hope that I do these things to increase my knowledge.

Anyhow. My next new adventure is inspired by a binge reading session of Steig Larsson (I have this weird love affair with contemporary Swedish authors) and some of my classes from high school. I'm going to work on building some programs. I'm familiar with HTML coding and programing basics thanks to a couple of graphic desgin classes in high school; Larsson's trilogy has rekindled my interest in computers. For the most part, I'm not a big fan of technology, so I'm going to start out small (such as trying to make a calender) and see if I can't think of something more creative as I go along.

Wish me luck!

Cheers!

"You must watch anime... you refer to yourself as "Kim-Chan."

This blog, in the beginning, was to chronicle my adventures in Germany. I had a blog a LONG time ago dealing with my time in Mexico and I found it to be refreshing once it was all over and I could see everything I thought about (or what have you). Sadly, in a fit of feeling dramatic, I deleted everything. I'll probably go through my pictures and my old notebooks to try to recreate that time again but the originals are lost.

Sometimes, I look back at this record and think, "Heavens. This entry is not the same tone as the rest of the blog." That and, "Oh, wow. That just sounds REALLY stupid now. I need to delete it to look more intelligent." But then I tell myself that it's fine because no one reads this thing anyway. I think maybe, at most, four people read it as a regular update on my life and my doings. To be honest, that's impressive considering I don't put much effort into making this sound somewhat coherant.

But, when I DID decide to do this again, I had to pick some fancy, flashy name to lure people in. But what? Something philosophical such as, "Aristotle and Me?" Nah. I'd get to wrapped in trying to keep it philosophical. There were a couple of others but the title of this blog comes from a couple of places. I've always been a big fan of Lewis Carroll's works (I can recite "Jabberwocky" at the drop of a hat and won a state art competition with it as my inspiration). Alice in Wonderland has always fascinated me because, well, I've just watched way too many psychological movies for my own good. Is what Alice experiencing real? Is Wonderland real and Alice a dream? I mean, it could go on. It's a metaphor for the difficulty I have dealing with the world at large. Not to go into too much detail, I am strange on some level that is not normal. A lot of things in the world fascinate me or scare me when they don't phase other people. Ergo, the metaphor.

And, Kim-Chan? Well, my affinity for languages has put me into positions where sometimes I'm dealing with professors or students who don't speak the same languages I do. The extent to my knowledge is Spanish, German, and French (my fluency in each decreases with each one). I've gotten to know a lot of the Japanese professors and they have a tendency to shorten my name (Kimberly) to just "Kim-chan." My Japanese education is... well there is none. But I do know that names are usually followed by "honorifics" (I think?). These honorifics denote the relationship that one has with another. Popular honorifics are "-san," "-sensai," "-sama..." And there're ones for familial relations as well, but you get the picture. (If anyone can correct me on the honorifics, please, let me know. I hate getting my languages wrong).

Incidentally, "-chan," means a freindly relationship (I think, again). So, it sounds nifty. Better than "Señorita Kim in Wonderland," that's for certain. Or I guess it could have been "Fräulein Kim in Wonderland," but then it would have looked bad on my part when, as I found out, it's now considered offensive in Germany to use the diminutive to refer to a young adult woman. (Frau is "Mrs." pronouced, "Frow" and the diminitive is derived from it, pronounced, "Froyline..." aren't umlauts fun?).

So, that's it. Nothing anime-weird or... whatever. Plus, I kinda worked the language angle so nothing to report on "The Spanglish-Danglish One." Sad day because I REALLY need to update that.

Cheers!

Properly complete

After spending a couple of hours reading about conversational code-switching, I realized I may have chosen a line of research similar to the topic I began to hate in my Literature and Philosophy class: identity.

If you followed some of the previous entries I made about recognition and identity, you might get a small taste about what I'm talking about. A lot of the literature I'm engulfed in right now deals with questions like, "Does langauge reflect society?" and "Does mixing languages reflect mixed heritages?" Examples of the mixed heritage (which means being identified as a "mixed" person) are Turkish/German or Rwandanese/Belgian. So, basically, I'm back to the "Who am I?" question that we're all scrambling to answer. No matter how hard I try, I suppose this is how it's going to end up.

My next best option is go back to undergrad and get a degree in something useful (i.e. something that guarantees a job with a steady paycheck). Believe you me, I'll make that happen if research fails. I can handle being a failure on an academic level, but not a life level. Even I have my limits; I know it might not seem that way, but I do.

So, that's what I've been up to. Working on getting ready for my next research meeting, working at the restaurant (which I only havea week left for), and being stressed out about little general things (paying rent).

Things aren't going as well as I'd hoped. My money situation won't be as fruitful as I had planned, but I'll continue to work on finding a third source of income (AGAIN). That and I STILL haven't applied to any grad schools. Or studied for the GRE. Or cleaned my room. My laundry has taken over the floor. It's gotten so bad that whenever my roommate goes to work (he works third shift) I just sleep in his bed (I'm usually up before he comes back anyway, so no harm no foul). The nights he doesn't work, I usually end up passed out on the couch with a book in hand.

Basically, survival is being accomplished but not much else. If anyone has suggestions for me to spice up my existance, let me know.

Cheers!

Is this genetic?

I've got a fair bit more reading to do before meeting with my advisor tomorrow. Oh frabjous day. On a side note, I've discovered that I am extremely handy with crafts while needing something to take my mind off of the idea that I might fail at life. Enjoy.



Cheers!

I have far, far, FAR too much reading to do. This means I will definitely procrastinate for about an hour or so. Time to make some pancakes from scratch.

Cheers.

Solo quiero que te quieras

And it's as simple as that.

Cheers.

Follow the Wallow

Ah, some time to finally sit down and give a proper update. This summer has been... busy? Possibly yes and no. It definitely has been a bit lackluster, but I must be diligent in reminding myself that summers aren't for lustering or what have you. So, I will start off with the beginning.

Right after the semester ended, I wisked off to Nashville, IN, to participate in an unofficial grad school boot camp. It was a week of unforgiving stress but also a much needed break. We were out in a camp-like resort and the surrounding town was extremely small; we walked half the length of Main Street within ten minutes.

Our first night there, we arrived in the evening. Unfortunately most of the town closes around 7 pm. Fortunately, the local hotspot eatery was open. The Holy Cow was an experience akin to a steakhouse minus the garish country music and unseemly abundance of neon signs proclaiming loyalty to some beer or another. Afterwards, I had to run back to my room to engage in something that I am ashamed of: the Lost series finale.

I'm not sure if I have chronicled my Lost experience this past semester. I'll be brief. I had never seen the show until February of this year. Once I found out it was ending, I had to catch-up. I was able to catch the last three episodes (including the finale) within three months. Don't try to comtemplate the math. Know that I am embarrassed for having watched so much television (I usually just watch CSPAN or the local news). However, since the end of the show, I have not discussed it or re-watched the series. It was over and I went on with my life.

Now that I have that off of my chest... most of the "boot camp" involved a non-stop barrage of, "You should have had all of this finished YESTERDAY," and "If you want to get into grad school you'll have to [insert seemingly impossible task]." We heard this from 8 am until 8 pm with only breaks to eat.

Granted, I STILL don't have anything for grad school finished and that was two months ago. Honestly, the impending sense of failure is such a strong presence that I repress the thought of the size of my "to-do" list until I catch a glimpse of a book or some research I've put off and it all comes flooding back and the only thing I can do is curl into the fetal position under the bed with one of my cats. The horribly sad thing about this is, it's true.

So, one of the looming things over me this summer has been the feeling of, "Oh, dear God, I can't do this. Even if I try, all the effort will be for naught because I'm not going to be good enough and if I'm not good enough then why even try?"

A lot of my stress is based in this strange idea that I have about becoming a researcher: If my research can't radically change the world, then I shouldn't even bother. No joke. Somewhere I concieved the notion that if whatever in the world I end up doing isn't going to change the world, then I should just pack up shop right now and find a good Dairy Queen to work at and call it quits.

I have some sort of unhealthy complex. It just isn't diagnosable yet.

Cheers.

...alright...

Whew! It's been a bit of a while since a proper update and I've been up to a lot. This entry will have to be a little short on my usual philosophical musings and whatnots. I think that last update I had might have been about finals? Let's go take it from there:

My grades ended up being a lot better than expected. Grades were as follows:

BIO 330-A
PSY 260-A
GER 102-A
SPA 302-A
ENG 360-B (poop)

To be honest, I signed up for the English course (called Literature and Philosophy) as a fun class so I'm not kicking myself too hard for it. THEN I have my summer courses. I made an A in PHI 202 (Ethics) and am taking MAT 145 (Trig) right now in order to prep myself in case a grad school decides I need Calculus. I doubt it, but one never knows. This fall I really need to step up my game though. I'm taking 12 hours worth of psych classes (50% of those will be fun), 6 hours dedicated to classes in evolution (not mutually exclusive to the psych classes, by the way. One's a psych course and the other is a bio course). Of course, Spanish is there (at this rate I should just double major in Spanish... I'm still unsure why I continue to take Spanish or German). And somewhere I'm auditing GER 201. I'm taking 19 hours, working two jobs, AND starting my code-switching research. It's going to rock.

I did find a job off campus a month ago working at a resturant downtown. Instead of being a waitress (like most girls), I have been deemed to ugly to be serving customers and am working in the kitchen. This is no joke. I was told that. It's easy work, but I have a feeling all money will be put into savings (as I am not making much). However, I have procured a job on campus as the secretary of a new program in the department. The word "secretary" is not an over-dramatization of the position either. I'm the department head's assistant; needless to say, I'm fairly pleased with that development.

Sorry for the dryness, but I'll be sure to wax philosophical and wane optimistic about my situation later. Until then.

Cheers.

Volver!

If I plan on keeping this blog up, I need to remember my log in, no joke. I'll update in a couple of hours. Right now, I need to gather myself together.

Cheers.

I'm still alive. I'll write when I have some more time. Busy being stressed.

Enjoying the large Korean sex-spam following that I'm not sure how to block yet. Until then, it raises my self-esteem to see something like, "3 comments." Maybe we'll learn how to block it later.

Cheers.

Almost over...

I've finally gotten to the last stretch. After finishing four out of five papers and taking two out of four exams this week, I am ready ready ready.

Here's all that's left:

1.German test
2.Spanish test
3.Philosophy paper

Yep. That's it. Then no more school. For now.

Lists

This is all that needs to be accomplised in the next two weeks (or less):

A four page reference paper for Spanish... in Spanish. Over 40 online exercises for Spanish.

Study crazy-mad for my Ecology exam (I am bordering on A/B at the moment).

There's no telling how many papers I'll need to write for my English final. It is currently being repressed.

A German and a Spanish oral exam.

... and I think I might have some papers in Psychology.

AND then, finals. Don't expect an update soon.

Cheers.

Black Holes and Revelations

I offer everyone a sincere apology. This is how self-absorbed I am: it has just hit me that there are readers actually leaving comments (Read: someone reads this thing?). Beg my pardon for not realizing this sooner and for not making mention of it. I guess it would behoove me to see how many readers and visits I've had. Sorry guys. Thanks for continuing the readership? I'm a little confused on how exactly I'm supposed to word my gratiousness.

Cheers!

...medias res...

...then I realize that my books are starting to suffocate me and I wonder, "When is one book a book too many?" The truth of the matter is I've realized that the person I've shaped myself into is not who I wanted to be. Or maybe it was but now I've changed my mind. The problem is in order to be who I want to be, I need others to believe it, to help me perpetuate that my idea of myself is a reality. And I'm trying. I'm desperately trying to grasp onto anything and anyone to ground me because my whole life has been spent internally, with spurts of external attempts. I'm not sure what to do. I can only work with what I have... it's easy to change simple aspects or physical aspects. But not so easy to change the things that can't be changed. My only hope is to keep...

Stuck in an Airlock

Sorry for not writing lately.
[Read: Honestly, I don't feel bad. No one clings onto my every word.]

I'm lonely.
[Read: SOMEONE throw me a lifeline. SOMEONE reach out and show me SOMETHING because I'm not good at that sort of thing.]

The semester is going okay.
[Read: I'm FAILING everything because, in my mind, a B is failing.]

I'm feeling a little down.
[Read: I feel inadequete and hopelessly fat and and hopelessly ugly and... well, hopeless.]

I'm going to write soon, promise.
[Read: Don't count on it being happy.]

Cheers.

Oh, baby (also: Baby puns are endless).

I have gotten into the trend of lying down at 10 pm with the full intention of waking up five or ten minutes after a quick little rest; yet, what invariably ends up happening is I finally get out of bed to find it is about 12 or 1 am. If that isn't depressing enough, it's usually to the discovery that I also need to still A)study or, worse, B)write a paper that is due tomorrow. Fortunately, tonight, it's onlya quick study for a psych exam tomorrow. Needless to say, facebook has become a constant and steadfast companion these days. With that also the revelation that most of my friends (well, more friends from long ago than "now" friends) are quite obsessed with having children/raising children.

It is beyond me how so many (I am fairly sure all female) people I know that have lives consumed with the idea of children. More often than not, it seemes like the idea comes about after a failed attempt at college. It's such a mystery to me. Why does this happen? I know that (for the cases I'm referring to) the people in question went to college with seemingly firm intentions of their individual plans but then couldn't quite cut it in some classes. The statuses range from living off-campus to living outside of Murray. After thier first year of college, some tried community college and some "took a break" (you know the story with "breaks"). It isn't as if there's a clear pattern. It just seems that, after some college, they have more time on thier hands and meet people... and then children inevitably become a real focus.

I just don't get it.

Cheers.

Hopelessly Hopeless

I've reached a level of pitiful that is incomprehensible. I'm going to crawl into a pit and not come out until... never.

Basically, I am not getting the level of socialization I know I am capable of having and that's just about it.

Cheers.

Full of sound and fury and... you get the idea.

Abhoring blogs is a contradiction on my part; however, blogs are just so... self-involved it's too much for me at times. It's as if I should concentrate on making all of my blogs read as one of my research papers for my biology lab. I should cite my sources. Keep it dry and dull. Simply facts.

And today was so full of me and my me-ness and the things that surround my me-ness that it is simply disgusting. It's possbile the facts are easier to digest. So they are these:

At approximately 12 am CST, Thursday March 18, 2010, the subject (known from hereon as "Kim") awoke after finishing a nap that commenced at 8 pm. Upon feeding her cats (three in number), she then returned to the bed and turned on the television to channel 73, which features various food based programs and is known as "Food Network." While watching a program featuring a process in creating lemon-herb crusted chicken, Kim received SMS data (heron out refered to as "text message" or simply, "text). The text message was sent by her mother. In the text, her mother conveyed the idea that Kim's brother had experienced a relapse with his coping skills (previously obtained from years of therapy) and that he might be calling her. Kim called her mother to reassure her that first, her brother would never call her and, second, that he possibly had issues with medication.

After approximately two hours, Kim had completed the following: call her brother, get yelled at by her brother, stay up for two hours attempting to call her brother after he hangs up on her. According to her brother, Kim is doing all of these things because she "doesn't give one flying fuck about him" (Thursday, Approx. 1 am, Kim's Brother). Kim finally made the decision to try to salvage the night's sleep.

At approximately 11 am CST, Thursday March 18, 2010, Kim has completed the following: call every possible resource she has to find out if her brother made it home alive, skip work so she could call said resources, and was yelled at by her brother for calling all of her resources.

Subject has seem to have made progress in the following areas:
1. Showing sympahty/empathy for another
2. Coping with anger and sadness and failure effectively
3. Realizing that Rule #1 has been broken and, therefore, has ruined her day.

END

So, this brings us here: the "rules" are rules I have that keep my life in order and keep me from feeling anxious/fearful/unwanted. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how many rules I have but we'll work through a couple in the next few blogs.

So, some basic rules that need no explanation (to an extent):
1. One may not shower or bathe with the toilet seat up. Preferably, bathing should
occur in a seperate location from the toilet.

2. When a conversation has entered an awkward moment, ALWAYS let the participant(s) know that you are not sure what needs to be said or done next. Verbalize your acknowledgement of the lull in the conversation.

3. It is almost never appropiate to allow seperate food items on the same plate to touch. However, there are some exceptions. Here are a few amendments to the food-touching rule:
A. Jellied cranberries and turkey and/or stuffing are allowed to be eaten in conjuction with one another.
B.Mashed potatoes and sweet peas or whole kernel corn or French style green beans.
C.Sauteed vegatables and most meat products (lamb is questionable and needs further testing).

4. NEVER EVER EVER allow someone to hurt one's person physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. Retaliation is never a method of response. When one is hurt, they stay hurt.

So cheers for tonight.

"Shun the Furmious Bandersnatch"

It is possibly no secret that life for me has hit a low point. Nothing in particular is wrong. I'm just bored out of the constant and steady stream of coursework filling my plate constantly like a neverending pasta bowl at the Olive Garden.

Take, for example, this week alone:

While writing yet ANOTHER lab report for Ecology , I had to study for a Psych test and keep up with insane amounts of German and Spanish homework. All the while, I'm desperately trying to come up with philosophical insight about misrecogniton and the role of recognition in Antigone... until this Tuesday when I discovered I had THREE not TWO essays due for my Literature and Philosohpy class this Friday. Then I get to do another lab report for Ecology and try to put together a presentation for Spanish AND study for a German test. Oh, and read.

In the background is the steady flow of my cats all vying for some type of attention unattainable and the dishes that keep piling up even after a load has hit the dishwasher... and my room is a mess. Of all the things.

Sadly I bought a copy of Civilization 4 (I'm a sucker for Sid Meier games), promising myself that as soon as I get caught up I'l install it and spend a couple of hours playing it. That has not happened and it seems unlikely that it will any time soon.

Oh. Frazzled. I am such.

Cheers.

Completely and utterly swallowed whole

At this moment, I am paying for relaxing and taking it easy this weekend. Greatly. Most of the people in my life have the audacity to tell me to ease up on myself and not take on so much at one time (ie taking two foreign languages, focusing research on an interdiscipline of two sciences, working, AND trying to start up research FINALLY). And I appreciate it most days. However, this will be the last time I decide that my Ecology lab can be put off. I had brand new lab write up as well as a revision of a poorly executed lab on horse dentition and its relation to biostratigraphy. Granted, if I actually did anything NOT the night before, this would not be happening.

Unfortunately, I was trying that whole "balancing life" thing. I think I'll go back to having no social life and just focusing on school. It was less complicated that way anyway.

Cheers.

Recognition

Being enrolled in the Literature and Philosophy class wasn't exactly a well thought out plan considering I don't focus on either of those items in my studies. But oh, we read Hegel among others. And a startling realization came into light:

I recognize that I need and want to be recognized by others; however, knowing I will never be recognized in the way that I want others to recognize me I compensate by pretending that I don'twant to be recognized.

Take a second for that to sink in. I was outside when it happened, and, thankfully, blissfully alone. the world stopped and I've been mulling over that for about a day now. I recognize that I spend most of my time alone, waiting to be recognized. But I don't actively work on being alone for that purpose; that's just how it's played out for me. So, when I have more thoughts on the matter, I'll be sure to share.

Cheers.

The Grateful Shirt

It is eight minutes shy of 2 in the morning.

I can't keep German straight from Psychology at this point; moreover, I can't keep personal life straight from everything else (read: more important items such as research, studying, language practice, et cetera).

In the last couple of weeks my major source of social interaction has been having high-pitched, low level conversations with my cats (read: talking about their day, talking about their naps, asking them if they're hungry or tired).

And even further, my great Houdini of a shirt has pulled the disappearing act. Of unknown origins, the Grateful Dead shirt has been in my possession for years now. Where did this grotesque tye-dyed wonder come from? Honestly, I have no clue. Honestly, I'm amazed I wear it (read: I'm amazed it fits). However amazed I am, I still like to wear it but it cyclicly pulls this vanishing act and reappears at its own whim.

...and reading back over this I realize how detached this whole thing sounds. Its only because I'm overly-sleep deprived, desperately trying to study for both a German and a Psychology test tomorrow, AND recovering from what I suspect to be the flu (read: possibly H1N1?).

Cheers for now.

Adventures in Being

Believe it or not, writing up this lab report for the systematic identification of an unknown species of land snail using shell characteristics and their various derived states is at almost 1 am is keeping my wandering my occupied. Ergo, it is keeping me sane.

I hate dealing with the whole idea of forming new relationships and the complications that arise such as having to follow pesky social conventions and whatnot. I absolutely abhor it. Figuring out the remains of a dead animal is so much easier. And much more satisfying. Immensely. Gratuitously.

Point in case being my social inappropiateness and my "normal" musings about whether androids and cyborbs fall under Asimov's Three Rules of Robotics and wondering if having a pacemaker makes one a cyborg.

I need electroshock therapy. I honestly believe that.

Cheers.

Singing is easy if you can remember the tune

One would hope that the feeling of regret would never come up, but it has. At least for me.

It is not as if I regret going to Germany fully. It's just that now, after digressing from life in Murray for a bit, but I definitely have not been able to jump back on the track.

To be fair, it isn't quite my fault. At least all of it. For one, the issue of earning a wage. While working at the office on campus last summer, I was told that I was guaranteed a position there upon returning this spring. Well. Not really. So I hopped right back into the world of job searching. After a month, I found a place and the owner fell in love with me. The only problem that came up was a common one: a college student am I. And, subtracting from the details, I'm still essentially jobless.

How I am paying rent and bills is a complete mystery to me at the moment.

And somewhere along the way, I've lost my friends' attention since being away.

Jobless (kinda), friendless (kinda), and having trouble remembering the English language, I'm slowly trying to make it back.

Cheers.

This is a little depressing...

...because I feel like this.

Bake off.

Since being here, I've been on a cooking spree.

In the past couple of days I've not only cooked the regular meals (such as pancakes, eggs, various entrees) but handmade bread (sweet rolls) and baked a cake using homemade batter (a yellow cake). As soon as I buy powered sugar, I'll start making my own icing as well.

I don't know what's gotten into me, but my cooking frenzy seems to have no end in sight.

Just wait until school begins. I'm sure it will change.

Cheers!

Back!

After missing my flight in Munich after being locked in a cab by a Hungarian taxi driver, I have returned back to the states and have settled into my new home.

I took a break from the blog because there hasn't been much to talk about... but school starts Monday. I'm not ready.

So we'll see what transpires in the coming weeks.

Cheers!