Admit it.

Currently, I have realized that what I feared all summer has come to fruition: I've procrastinated, once again, and will now be on a mad dash on completing my not-really-assigned reading assignment:

Günter Grass's classic The Tin Drum. The first in the Danzig Trilogy (Danzig being the German name for a city in Poland, the Polish name being Gdańsk... it's confusing), the novel is wonderful so far. I'm now entering the 9th chapter in which there should be an allusion to the Kristallnacht. However, I was more gung-ho about this novel before certain events transpired that made me a little discouraged about finishing it in a timely manner... be that as it may, it's neither here nor now.

But I doubt anyone has interest in my latest reading adventures.

What you'd really like to hear about is my crazy ex-boyfriend sending me text messages about eternal love still "smoldering" in his broken little heart. Well, forget it. I refuse to indulge anyone in that kind of personal manner... although I will admit it would be easier if the last six years could just vanish.

And that makes me wonder why have I chosen the boys that I have? It must be something deeply rooted within my psyche that tells me to look for the most horrible traits in a man for a relationship (and thus ending up with boys). I ended up with one that was so controlling and domineering I barely had friends or a life outside of him; it wasn't until college I realized every time he mentioned the phrases "true love" or "fairy tale romance," what he really wanted was a shallow girl who would be a stay-at-home mom and have a lot of kids and no job. And the other boy... well. I don't even think he cared remembering anything about it. There was a couple of occasions he called me a couple of different names before remembering my name was simply "Kim." He didn't care if I reached out or called or wanted to hang out. If there wasn't a monetary or physical gain for him, he would just as soon as deleted my number from his cell phone. Even now, trying to be friends with him is a chore because he is so desperately apathetic.

So, why is it now, when there is a sweet and caring man in my life that I am so hesitant to begin a relationship with him? He's absolutely perfect, no kidding. Most girls will say that about any guy they pine for, but I'm serious. I've never seen anything about him that would make me second guess a thing. Of course he's hopelessly handsome. He has eyes that could charm bark off of wood and a smile that could melt the sun... I realize I'm waxing poetic here. Allow me some license.

However, he's kind and thoughtful. He always wants to talk to me about anything that's going on. If I don't feel like talking, he gives me space. He's level-headed enough to make sure I don't go crazy with all my ideas. But he's also endearingly patient. His patience, I'm sure, is tried with me everyday. But he is slow to anger and even slow to anger when it comes to me; I can't even recall a time when he was angry at me... maybe disappointed, but not angry.

Oh, and he tolerates my cats. Enough said right there in my opinion.

So, I don't know why I have so much trouble saying, "Yes," to him. I'll admit there are times when, more often than not, I feel inadequate. And this might be attributed to the fact that other boys have treated me with such cruelty and indifference that I might actually believe that I deserved that kind of treatment. Yet, I don't consciously think those things. I know that I am not responsible for the actions of others.

But I'm still having trouble giving myself the greenlight to ease into another relationship, no matter how temporary it might be.

Well, I'm off to bed now. Until later, cheers.