Geesh. I haven't looked at this thing since October of last year. I think the break was beneficial though. I wasn't having the greatest time of my life and my work load became unbearable during the Spring. So, we'll try this again and I'll try my best to be less angst-ridden (it's almost impossible being a cynical pessimist). What's on tap for the next month or so? Whelp, the most immediate thing is the GRE. Yeah. I'm taking it.
Cheers!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Quick Update
Still living and breathing. Looks like my schedule is set for the next year and a half. I'm pretty excited that things are looking a bit up. 'Til later.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Top secret
So, don't tell anyone, but my "hiatus" really means "I'll only be writing when I'm taking a small break between coursework."
As of right now, I'm bored. And lonely. And desperately in need of human contact. And that's why I'm doing this, why I even bother to blog at all. My blog is the only thing that communicates with me because, well, it's obvious.
So I may or may not be ever so slightly depressed. I wish we had milk.
As of right now, I'm bored. And lonely. And desperately in need of human contact. And that's why I'm doing this, why I even bother to blog at all. My blog is the only thing that communicates with me because, well, it's obvious.
So I may or may not be ever so slightly depressed. I wish we had milk.
Friday, August 27, 2010
08.27.10
I apologize for this but I'm ending my blog. I'd like to be able to say that I'm really busy (and I am) but that isn't the reason. I'm just not receiving the kind of feedback that I need from this. It's less of an update than it is of a random assortment of my stream of consciousness.
As far as regular updates, don't expect them. I might write something every now and then, but I see no point in carrying on with this. Sorry if you did read this.
Cheers.
As far as regular updates, don't expect them. I might write something every now and then, but I see no point in carrying on with this. Sorry if you did read this.
Cheers.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Adulthood 101
*Expletive warning: They are littered throughout.*
It is not easy becoming self-sufficient even when you have parents to support (financially or emotionally). It is a fucking miracle if you can do it by yourself.
So, enter in my situation.
While in high school, I worked 28-30 hours a week at the local Dairy Queen. I started when I was 16 and only had a day off every week so I could baby-sit my step-siblings. I was paid minimum wage, which was 5.25 per hour back then. All the other kids at my school were missing lunch and geometry to take their Driver's licensing test and coming back in their brand new cars. My step-father refused to help me learn how to drive and my mother couldn't. However, I was still determined to earn the money to buy a car.
Finally, I had saved up $1500. I thought that, surely, if I could front a decent amount of money that my step-father would help me just so I would shut up about driving. I had no bills to pay (I didn't have a cell phone until 8 or 9 months before college) and I worked overtime whenever I could; I gave up weekends and holidays just so I could prove that I was willing to keep earning money to pay for insurance and car payments.
However, before I could ask, my step-father became gravely somber. He explained that our family mini-van was breaking down. It was often used for the commute to campus 30 mintues away (my mother was working on her BSW and my step-father was working on his Master's in History) and it was also used for my step-father's long trips to Carbondale, Illinois, because he did university work there as well (and there's a VA clinic in Marion, Illinois, as well). I'm fairly certain that the van was also bought used. I'm not 100% certain about that, even today.
Anyway, he explained that the van was breaking down. I didn't think too much about it; I simply thought that it couldn't be used to help me learn how to drive. Apparently, not the case. He explained that it needed to be brought into the shop and it was going to be very expensive. Once again, I wasn't sure where he was going with the conversation. He finally made his point: without the van, we wouldn't have a sure way of getting my mother to the hospital if she had a flare up (she has an autoimmune disease). Then he said, "If I can't come up with $1500 to fix the van, your mom could die. We NEED that van."
My heart sank. This wasn't the first time my step-father asked for money. It didn't happen often, but it did. It was just all the money I had this time. In restrospect, I should have been smarter; my step-father had helped me set up my account with the bank and it had been a joint account. He was able to look at my bank account and where I spent my money. I realized that about 6 years too late. However, I gave him the money, fearing for my mother's health, and just told myself I could start saving again.
However, that didn't happen. As the years passed and I entered college, my income was a little better but I had to buy $400 or $500 worth of books. Also, I went to college on my own (I had been placed in foster care), so I was responsible for my cell phone bill (I had to have a way to be contacted), clothes, and food. To add insult to injury, I was also in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy who was always in debt or buying expensive things. He had a car, so I thought my car situation could wait.
Then he got into an accident. He was fine, but the car was not. I had just gotten a large amount of financial aid and was planning on going to my bank and depositing the money into a yearly CD. He cried and cried and said if I could loan him the down payment, he'd make car payments on a car he'd found. He'd make the payments but keep saving money to buy a new car and then I could have the old one. Well, I had no license (I received my permit at 18) and no concept of how insurance worked. That and I didn't think a car was absolutely necessary while living on campus, so I gave him the down payment ($1500 or $2000). I won't bog down the matter further, but, needless to say, he fucked me over.
So, fast forward to now. I have my permit. I'm over 21. I have a lot of extra income this semester and am ready to buy a car. My scooter is awesome, but I need to start thinking about grad school and the possibility of moving. Therefore, I need a car.
However, there is one LARGE obstacle. I still don't have my license. I know how to drive; I've driven in all sorts of traffic and weather over the years because I have my permit and, let's face it, sometimes people don't feel like driving. So, I step in and drive. However, I just never saw the point in getting my license because buying a car was never on my radar. My financial situation is a lot better than I projected for this upcoming year.
I've asked multiple people and I've never gotten a straight, "No," but my guess is that people are touchy about their cars. There's a lot of trust involved when a car is in question. I don't think that the people I've asked don't trust me; it's just that cars are different than money. That sounds crazy I know. No one cares if I handle large sums of money because it isn't theirs; a car is something they use daily. Their livlihood could be affected if something were to happen while I was behind the wheel.
So, that's what's going on. I'm ready to buy a car and I can't. Trying to be responsible sucks hardcore ass.
Cheers
It is not easy becoming self-sufficient even when you have parents to support (financially or emotionally). It is a fucking miracle if you can do it by yourself.
So, enter in my situation.
While in high school, I worked 28-30 hours a week at the local Dairy Queen. I started when I was 16 and only had a day off every week so I could baby-sit my step-siblings. I was paid minimum wage, which was 5.25 per hour back then. All the other kids at my school were missing lunch and geometry to take their Driver's licensing test and coming back in their brand new cars. My step-father refused to help me learn how to drive and my mother couldn't. However, I was still determined to earn the money to buy a car.
Finally, I had saved up $1500. I thought that, surely, if I could front a decent amount of money that my step-father would help me just so I would shut up about driving. I had no bills to pay (I didn't have a cell phone until 8 or 9 months before college) and I worked overtime whenever I could; I gave up weekends and holidays just so I could prove that I was willing to keep earning money to pay for insurance and car payments.
However, before I could ask, my step-father became gravely somber. He explained that our family mini-van was breaking down. It was often used for the commute to campus 30 mintues away (my mother was working on her BSW and my step-father was working on his Master's in History) and it was also used for my step-father's long trips to Carbondale, Illinois, because he did university work there as well (and there's a VA clinic in Marion, Illinois, as well). I'm fairly certain that the van was also bought used. I'm not 100% certain about that, even today.
Anyway, he explained that the van was breaking down. I didn't think too much about it; I simply thought that it couldn't be used to help me learn how to drive. Apparently, not the case. He explained that it needed to be brought into the shop and it was going to be very expensive. Once again, I wasn't sure where he was going with the conversation. He finally made his point: without the van, we wouldn't have a sure way of getting my mother to the hospital if she had a flare up (she has an autoimmune disease). Then he said, "If I can't come up with $1500 to fix the van, your mom could die. We NEED that van."
My heart sank. This wasn't the first time my step-father asked for money. It didn't happen often, but it did. It was just all the money I had this time. In restrospect, I should have been smarter; my step-father had helped me set up my account with the bank and it had been a joint account. He was able to look at my bank account and where I spent my money. I realized that about 6 years too late. However, I gave him the money, fearing for my mother's health, and just told myself I could start saving again.
However, that didn't happen. As the years passed and I entered college, my income was a little better but I had to buy $400 or $500 worth of books. Also, I went to college on my own (I had been placed in foster care), so I was responsible for my cell phone bill (I had to have a way to be contacted), clothes, and food. To add insult to injury, I was also in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy who was always in debt or buying expensive things. He had a car, so I thought my car situation could wait.
Then he got into an accident. He was fine, but the car was not. I had just gotten a large amount of financial aid and was planning on going to my bank and depositing the money into a yearly CD. He cried and cried and said if I could loan him the down payment, he'd make car payments on a car he'd found. He'd make the payments but keep saving money to buy a new car and then I could have the old one. Well, I had no license (I received my permit at 18) and no concept of how insurance worked. That and I didn't think a car was absolutely necessary while living on campus, so I gave him the down payment ($1500 or $2000). I won't bog down the matter further, but, needless to say, he fucked me over.
So, fast forward to now. I have my permit. I'm over 21. I have a lot of extra income this semester and am ready to buy a car. My scooter is awesome, but I need to start thinking about grad school and the possibility of moving. Therefore, I need a car.
However, there is one LARGE obstacle. I still don't have my license. I know how to drive; I've driven in all sorts of traffic and weather over the years because I have my permit and, let's face it, sometimes people don't feel like driving. So, I step in and drive. However, I just never saw the point in getting my license because buying a car was never on my radar. My financial situation is a lot better than I projected for this upcoming year.
I've asked multiple people and I've never gotten a straight, "No," but my guess is that people are touchy about their cars. There's a lot of trust involved when a car is in question. I don't think that the people I've asked don't trust me; it's just that cars are different than money. That sounds crazy I know. No one cares if I handle large sums of money because it isn't theirs; a car is something they use daily. Their livlihood could be affected if something were to happen while I was behind the wheel.
So, that's what's going on. I'm ready to buy a car and I can't. Trying to be responsible sucks hardcore ass.
Cheers
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I feel as if I might kill over at any given moment. I don't know what's going on, but this past week my appetite has dropped into dangerously low levels and I can't concentrate on anything. I suspect it is some vicious circle: no appetite means I'll eat next to nothing and no food means no calories means no energy (or ATP if you will) and that means no concentration.
Allow me to extrapolate on this whole "no appetite" thing. What does having no appetite mean? I know before Germany, when I would say, "I have no appetite," it usually meant, "I'm not hungry." During and after Germany, no appetite meant, "I can barely will my hand to bring this french fry to my mouth."
This is by no means an exaggeration. Most days I'm able to eat an okay amount of food (albeit there might be unhealthy choices); however, there are also a good number of days where the idea of chewing is an exhausting thought.
So, I'm not feeling well but I still need to get a lot of reading finished. However, I feel as if I might be spending my evening sleeping in the bathroom because I'm feeling THAT miserable. Since I was young, sleeping on the floor of a bathroom has always been oddly soothing. Now that I'm pretending to be a "grown-up," I've tried to limit my bathroom sleepovers because, well, it's weird. Believe you me, I have to be feeling pretty crappy for me to even entertain the notion. Until later.
Cheers.
Allow me to extrapolate on this whole "no appetite" thing. What does having no appetite mean? I know before Germany, when I would say, "I have no appetite," it usually meant, "I'm not hungry." During and after Germany, no appetite meant, "I can barely will my hand to bring this french fry to my mouth."
This is by no means an exaggeration. Most days I'm able to eat an okay amount of food (albeit there might be unhealthy choices); however, there are also a good number of days where the idea of chewing is an exhausting thought.
So, I'm not feeling well but I still need to get a lot of reading finished. However, I feel as if I might be spending my evening sleeping in the bathroom because I'm feeling THAT miserable. Since I was young, sleeping on the floor of a bathroom has always been oddly soothing. Now that I'm pretending to be a "grown-up," I've tried to limit my bathroom sleepovers because, well, it's weird. Believe you me, I have to be feeling pretty crappy for me to even entertain the notion. Until later.
Cheers.
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Who's writing this thing?
- The Little Wandering Owl
- Every real and searching effort at self-improvement is, of itself, a lesson of profound humanity.