A Letter to Chris

[Note: This blog has expletives scattered throughout]

Dear Chris,

Today has been one of those days that, had I been God, I would have prevented everyone from existing. It was a non-stop annoyance fest and I was not in the mood to deal with childishness.

Funny how since I've been here I've actually grown. When they said you'd learn to be independent on this program they meant it. I'm surprised that I've booked trains and hostels for an 11 day trip through 2 countries and, on top of that, have been keeping up with my grades here. I've felt like I have a little more confidence in myself.

Unfortunately, I think the greatest lesson I am taking away from here is that no matter where I go, I'm still going to be me. I don't magically change with the atmosphere. Yes, I've had to curb my usual demeanor for the sake of getting along with the people on my program, but on the whole, I kind of understand what it means to be me.

It sounds cheesy but it kind of applies; have you ever read The Diary of Anne Frank? We had to when I was in 7th grade and I remember one of the last things in the book. She had written that she was only truely herself when she was alone. And for years and years I thought I understood it, but it isn't until being here that I think I finally know it.

Being alone, being one of me here, uncompromisingly Kim, I can finally stop believing what therapists and teachers and all hosts of other people try to tell me: that the way I am is a result of all the things that have happened to me and, once I deal with those things, I can finally start being myself.

Quite honestly, it's pure shit. The things that happen to you are supposed to shape you, no matter if it's good or bad. Unfortunately, our society has these silly standards in which there is this expected amount of "normalcy" and if you don't fall within an appropriate standard deviation of the "normalcy" curve, then you need to change.

And I'm sick of it. I'm tired of people telling me I'm too guarded and too serious and that I need to "loosen up." I had people tell me that here. One girl in particular actually said to me that, after a few beers, I was finally showing my "true self." Well, fuck. Who was I before? I can't keep apologizing for who I am. Yes, it's unfortunate I can't just be ignorant about things constantly. Maybe if it were possible, I wouldn't be so sad.

I think that's true. The reason why I do become sad more frequently than others is the fact I think about things a lot more often. Difficult things. Like wondering what it means to be human. Do you realize how often that crosses my mind? Too often for someone who is twenty-one years old, that's for sure.